Loneliness Hurts ~

Well, I usually don't get too personal on the blog, but just feel the need to tonight for some reason. Maybe to just help me get my thoughts out. I have spent most the afternoon in tears, praying, wondering what to do, and trying to remember that God really does have a plan for ALL of us. I admire my mom's testimony of the church and hope to one day have one just as strong. I just don't want the same trials and struggles with our children that she has had to bear with us.

Today has been a really hard day for me. It started out well, but then quickly went to bad and then worse. My little sister has been homeless for the last two months, and is mentally ill. I love her with all my heart, but have had to put our children first. I have stayed in contact with her and tried to be there to help in anyway I can. To make a long story short ... her mental illness has taken over the sweet and strong person that she really is. I received a call this afternoon that she was being taken by ambulance to the hospital for a mental evaluation. I got the kids settled and arranged a ride for Kasey to and from achievement days and then rushed to the hospital she was taken to where I met my emotionally devastated mother. I wanted my little sister to know that I love her, that she is loved and that she is not alone. The rejection of her not wanting to talk to me when I entered the Emergency Room she was in was VERY painful. I have been at a loss of how to be there for her and how lonely she must feel. You could see the pain in her face and her beautiful blue eyes. Being homeless with two living parents and seven siblings just seems impossible to me. It makes me so sad that this is the life that she (or her illness) has chosen.

Only in the movies have I seen someone locked down to a hospital bed so they couldn't get up. That in itself would make me have a mental breakdown. I wanted to unlock her and make it all better; I just don't know how. I don't know how to get her to realize that with her medications she is a whole, healthier person.

I personally have lost some friends this past year because I wasn't able to spend the time needed to physically and emotionally invest in the friendship. I got wrapped up in my husband and my family (which I don't regret, it was necessary) ... and school took a HUGE part of me. For awhile, I didn't really even know ME anymore; let alone have time for me. I did what I needed to do to get through that part of my life. I needed the security of having at least my associate degree. I couldn't stand the thought of being an uneducated single mom again; I wasn't taking that chance. I needed to give our marriage some serious attention; and that was more important to me than anything else. I was too busy being a student, stake activity director, PTA Board Member, babysitter, daughter, sister, and mother; that I took for granted that I have a loving, supportive husband that would just always be there.

I don't like people to see me struggle or to know there is pain. I found myself being negative and talking negative (complaining way too much); and didn't want to be that way anymore. I wanted and needed to change for me as well as my family. I didn't feel like I had anything positive to say, so I stopped talking to family and friends. I have struggled to find someone who I feel really understands me; what it is like to be a second wife, step-mom and some of the other trials that I face. I had to buck up and get through it though. Thus, I have struggled this past year with feeling lonely many times. My husband is my best friend, but there is just something about have close relationships with women. I can only imagine how lonely my sister feels at this time. It breaks my heart ... there is so much emotional pain.